(Miami Savoys
by Alan Beech
Act I
Setting: A bar or clubroom
in South Beach ,
Miami
Lights up on the empty stage:
Enter two waiters,
Claude and Cecil. They wear aprons over brightly colored shirts. One has a mop
and the other a broom. They sing alternate verses; one rests and sings while
the other one works. They do a dance routine at each chorus (where they sing
together).
Aria 1: We are Cleaning up the Glasses
From “Never mind the why or
wherefore” HMS Pinafore.
Claude: We are cleaning up
the glasses
And are
polishing the brasses,
From the
mess they left here last night,
And we’re
stocking up the bar.
It will
soon be looking ship-shape
And a
regular, five star.
C & C: We
are happy with bar-keeping
Lots of
parties, lots of fun.
Every
morning we can sleep in
Our work
starts when day is done.
Claude: Lots of crazy, noisy evenings.
Cecil: Lots
of boozy noisy evenings.
Claude: Lots of hazy lazy mornings.
Cecil: Lots
of crazy lazy mornings.
C & C: Clear the air of cigarette smoke,
Breathe in
deep while it is pure,
Laze
awhile as if we’re rich folk,
Wasting
time is such a lure.
Aria suspends
Rita, the barmaid enters. She is a woman in her mid-twenties to
mid-thirties.
Cecil: Hi, Rita. Are you ready to start work?
Rita: Sure, as long as you guys bring in the
bar supplies.
Aria resumes
Cecil: Every night this
place gets rowdy,
And the
air becomes real cloudy.
Soon the
place will start to hum here
With some
artsy types that sing.
As we’re
in South Beach ,
Miami
Sometimes
movie stars, may sing.
C & C: We are happy with bar-keeping,
Lots of
parties, lots of fun.
Every
morning we can sleep in,
Our work
starts when day is done.
Claude: Lots of crazy, noisy evenings.
Cecil: Lots
of boozy noisy evenings.
Claude: Lots of hazy lazy mornings.
Cecil: Lots
of crazy lazy mornings.
C & C: Clear
the air of cigarette smoke.
Lots of
hazy lazy mornings.
Laze
awhile as if we’re rich folk.
Lots of
crazy lazy mornings.
They
pollute the air above
To achieve
the mood we love.
They
pollute the air above
To achieve
the mood we love.
Aria ends
Enter Salacio, the bar owner, a heavy man wearing a colored
guayabera.
Recitation
Salacio: How are you guys,
this evening?
C & C: Great, thank you boss.
Salacio: I hope we’re set to
go.
C & C: All set, and you boss?
Salacio: I am in reasonable
health, and ready to let them in again.
C & C: Give us a song, boss.
When Salacio sings
the aria, he does little pirouettes during his solo and C & C accompany
with movement. C & C dance around Salacio during the choruses “So give four
stars etc”.
Aria
2 I am the Owner of a South Beach Bar.
“He is the Captain of the Pinafore”. HMS. Pinafore.
Salacio: I am the owner of a
South Beach Bar.
C & C: And a real good owner too.
Salacio: I am very, very
proud,
And I can
shout aloud,
It’s a
satisfying job to do.
C & C: He is very, very proud,
And he
wants to shout aloud,
It's a
real pleasant job to do.
Salacio: To America I came,
As an
immigrant I came,
To explore
a foreign terrain,
In Miami
As I know
that you can tell.
And I
never grumble or complain.
C & C: What, never?
Salacio: No, never!
C & C: What, never?
Salacio: Hardly ever.
C & C: He never grumbles or complains.
C & C: So give four stars then one more star
To the
clever owner of a South Beach Bar.
So give
four stars then one more star
To the
owner of a South Beach Bar.
Aria suspends
Rita: Did you get the
beer for the bar yet?
Claude: No, sweetie, but we
are on our way.
C &
C exit
Salacio: Now, where was I
Aria resumes
Salacio: I bring in income
with an escort line.
Rita: That
I wish you would not do
Salacio: But I’m very, very
kind
To the
ladies that I find,
For my
customer service crew
Rita: You should never,
never find
Any ladies
of that kind
For your
escort service crew.
Salacio: Though
I break the laws of vice,
I treat
all my ladies nice.
I’m
protector to all, you know.
I am not
so very old,
And I have
a heart of gold.
I am never
one to whine or woe.
Rita: What,
never?
Salacio: No, never!
Rita: What,
never?
Salacio: Hardly ever.
Rita: He’s never one to
whine or woe
Rita: (Slow & sadly)
I’d give
four stars then one more star
If you'd stop the escort business from this bar.
I’d give
four stars then one more star
To the
owner of this South Beach Bar.
Aria ends
Salacio: It’s a shame I can’t sing my song when the
customers are here.
Rita: But
why do you do it, boss. You could make a perfectly good living from this bar without
the escort service you are running.
Salacio: Rita,
don’t interfere in man’s work. It’s busy season on the Beach. We have too many
customers and not enough escorts to keep them all happy.
Rita: Another
thing, it’s not right to use this bar as a cover, and I’ve seen you force women
to work as escorts.
Salacio: Watch it
Rita. I put up with you because your boy friend is the local Godfather, but
sometimes you talk too much.
Rita: At
least Sleaze is an honest crook. He doesn’t make money off young women.
Rita moves up L behind bar. Claude & Cecil re-enter wheeling a
pushcart loaded with boxes of beer. They unload these at the bar. Then they
join in the chorus. They line up center stage with Salacio in the middle and
accompany the next number with movement appropriate to the words of the aria
Aria 3 Our Exclusive Escort Sideline
Reprise.
“Never mind the why or wherefore” HMS Pinafore.
Salacio: Our exclusive escort
sideline
Help
out ladies with a lifeline.
Gives
them dates to flaunt their beauty,
Where
they earn a lot of cash.
And we profit from this duty
Though
we’re rather bad and brash.
C & C: Gifts provided for your pleasure,
Services
for every gent.
We
will find a date you treasure,
Our
commission ten percent.
Claude: Lots of easy breezy escorts.
Cecil: Lots of sleazy, easy escorts.
Claude: Lots
of hurly-burly sex sports.
Cecil: Lots of early girlie sex sports.
C & C: We are happy with bar-keeping.
Lots
of parties, lots of fun.
Every
morning we can sleep in
Our
work starts when day is done.
Aria ends
C, C & S: It’s opening time!
Salacio goes behind the bar L. Claude exits up L. Chorus members enter
noisily and gather round tables upstage. The men wear business shirts &
jeans. The women wear party dresses. Claude re-enters. Chorus includes some
still offstage.
Aria 4 Gin Gives a Happy Cheer
“We sail the
ocean blue" HMS Pinafore.
John: Gin gives a happy
cheer,
To
this lady, sitting pretty,
Bring
me a pint of beer,
We
got thirsty in the city.
Juan: I’ve
a thirst immense and I feel very tense,
Bring
rum and a Coke today.
Jean: She thinks that I’m
great when I talk to my date,
She
loves every word I say.
Men: Waiter! Waiter!
Chorus: My thirst is immense.
Men: Waiter! Waiter!
Chorus: And I feel quite tense,
Bring
me rum and a Coke,
Rum
and Coke today.
Chorus: Gin gives a happy cheer,
To
this lady, sitting pretty,
Bring
me a pint of beer,
It
is thirsty in the city.
This
lady, sitting pretty,
She
was thirsty in the city.
Gin
gives her happy cheer,
Bring
me a pint of beer.
Aria ends
C & C take and serve orders (plastic
glasses) etc. then return to bar up L.
Claude: Oh! Here comes Roger, the bouncer, the
bod!
Roger enters up L and moves down center stage. He is a muscular young
man in an outfit that shows off his physique. He sings an introductory aria.
Claude, Cecil, Salacio and the chorus join in.
Aria 5 Once I Taught School
“When a felon’s not engaged in his
employment” The Pirates of Penzance .
Roger: Once I taught school but
I didn't get enjoyment,
Chorus: Very happy.
Roger: So I looked around for
something fun to do.
Chorus: Fun to do.
Roger: And eventually I found
this new employment,
Chorus: New employment.
Roger: Of bouncing work I did
not have a clue,
Chorus: Have a clue.
Roger: But a teacher at a high
school gets good training
Chorus: Gets good training.
Roger: In the kind of things a
bouncer must get done,
Chorus: Must get done.
Roger: For in both jobs there’s
complaining and detaining.
Chorus: And detaining.
Roger: So a bouncer’s job is
not a happy one.
Chorus: Happy one.
Chorus: Ah, when the duty of a bouncer must be
done, must be done.
Then
a bouncer’s job is not a happy one, a happy one.
Roger: As a bouncer at a bar I
can’t discover
Chorus: Can’t discover.
Roger: Someone unsophisticated
and demure,
Chorus: And demure.
Roger: Who would join me as a
friend or as a lover,
Chorus: As a lover.
Roger: I’m seeking a companion
who is pure.
Chorus: Who is pure.
Roger: In my lonely life my
feelings I must smother,
Chorus: You must smother.
Roger: When my duty as a
bouncer must be done.
Chorus: Must be done.
Roger: Ah! Take one
consideration with another,
Chorus: With another.
Roger: Then a bouncer’s job is
not a happy one.
Chorus: Happy one.
Chorus: Ah! When the duty of a bouncer must be
done, must be done,
Then
a bouncer’s lot is not a happy one, a happy one.
Aria ends
Most of the chorus slowly exits as couples
during speech. Roger sits down R.
Salacio: (To Rita) You’ve been spending a lot of time with Roger, lately. Be careful. Your
boyfriend Sleaze is a powerful figure and he’s probably a jealous lover.
Rita: Don’t
worry boss. I can take care of Sleaze. Our bouncer is just a good friend. I sympathize
with the way he feels.
Salacio: Well, watch your step. It’s a hard world
out there.
Rita: Don’t worry boss.
Salacio exits L. Claude & Cecil exit up R. Rita comes
down R to join Roger
Aria 6: Don’t Feel
Sad, Friend Roger
“Good morning,
good lover” from Iolanthe
Rita: Don’t feel sad, friend Roger,
There’s
always tomorrow,
Perhaps
you’ll discover
A
cure for your sorrow,
Someone
you can care for,
That
you can be there for,
To
give you a measure
Of
conjugal pleasure,
Then
you can get married one day, one day.
Then
you can be married one day.
Roger: I thank you, friend Rita
For
commiseration.
You
couldn’t be sweeter,
You’re
like a relation.
I’m
glad you are fixed up
With
someone whose mixed up
In
local politics.
He’ll
help you in a fix.
Perhaps
you’ll get married one day, one day.
Perhaps
you’ll get married one day.
Rita: My friend, you know
better,
That
Sleaze is just a crook.
I’ll
be his up-setter,
My
love is his checkbook.
While
I am his honey
He
keeps me in money.
With
crimes deplorable
He’s
not adorable.
He’ll
get his come up-pence one day, one day.
He’ll
get his come up-pence one day.
So
we won’t be married one day, one day.
So
we won’t be married one day.
Aria ends
Rita and Roger move upstage. The rest of the chorus re-enters. As each
soloist begins she moves downstage from the chorus. The chorus gradually picks
up the second, fourth and final line of each verse.
Aria 7: When I Go to a Bar
“When
I went to the bar as a very young man” Iolanthe.
Ya-Ya: When I go to a bar with a very cute date,
Say
I to myself, say I,
I
drink quite a bit and I‘m often out late,
Say
I to myself, say I.
I
kick up my heels while I dance rock and roll.
I
can flash ‘em some skin to accomplish my goal
While
I'm looking for Mr. Right to buttonhole.
Say
I to myself, say I.
We-We: If I try for the look of a
sophisticate,
Say
I to myself, say I.
And
I dress for success will they take the bait
Say
I to myself, say I?
Though
I know all the news about nothing at all,
I
can name all the stars of professional ball,
And
I’m very good company on a pub-crawl,
Say
I to myself, say I.
Ci-Ci: I think that men like
me because I am bright,
Say
I to myself, say I.
If
I want to go, I can date every night,
Say
I to myself, say I.
I
can talk about hunting and fishing and sex,
I
will gasp at their muscles, their abs and their pecs,
But
I can't pin one down and it’s starting to vex.
Say
I to myself, say I.
John: I can stay on my feet
after ten or more beers,
Say
I to myself, say I.
I'm
a hell of a guy when I'm out with my peers,
Say
I to myself, say I.
It's
a bang with the gang when we party out late,
And
although it’s a secret I shouldn’t relate, (retard)
Sometimes
I luck out and I get a bed-mate,
Say I to myself, say I.
Aria ends
Chloe enters up L. She is an attractive young woman, dressed and made
up to look homely, with a wig, thick glasses, drab coat, hat and a long-skirted
dress. She moves slowly down center. Salacio mimes to C & C and audience
that she looks like a potential escort. Salacio leads her to the table mid R.
As she sings her aria she takes off her coat and hat and hangs them on a nearby
coat hook R, then sits at the table. Roger watches closely..
Recitation
Salacio: Welcome my dear to our South Beach
You
seem a woman of friendly demeanor
Tell
us your story, let us be friends,
Here
we are fam'ly, no-one offends.
Aria 8: I’ve Just Come
from Chicago
“He loves little buttercup” HMS Pinafore.
Chloe: I’ve just come from
Chicago,
A
chick from Chicago
I’m
sheltered and terribly shy.
It’s
cold in Chicago
With
snow in Chicago
But
here it is sunny and dry.
I’m
here on vacation,
Just
in from the station,
They
told me that South
Beach
My
life’s in stagnation,
I
need this vacation,
So
far I’ve behaved like a nun.
Some
sophistication,
Perhaps
a libation,
Will
lift up my spirits a bit.
Maybe
this location
Will
bring me elation,
And
stop me from having a snit.
I
have come from Chicago
Cut
loose from Chicago
Sheltered
and ever so shy.
But
out of that city,
I
am feeling self-pity,
Please
bring a bourbon or rye.
Chorus: For she has come from Chicago
Cut
loose from Chicago
Sheltered
and ever so shy.
But
out of that city,
She’s
feeling self-pity,
So
take her a bourbon or rye.
Aria ends
Salacio: (To C & C) I love that look of shy innocence. I predict she’ll be
quite after
we
get her properly cleaned up.
Salacio takes Chloe a drink and a bowl of
nuts. Claude and Cecil follow him.
Aria 9: You are Really Quite Delighting
Reprise “Never
mind the whys or wherefores” HMS Pinafore.
Chloe: You are really quite
delighting,
And
this drink is so inviting.
You
are all so very sincere
That
I’m sure I’ll like it here.
I
am Chloe from Chicago
On
vacation; who are you?
Salacio: I’m so glad to meet you Chloe,
Welcome
here, from where it’s snowy.
Single
ladies are most welcome,
To
the tropics you are welcome.
I
‘m Salacio, the boss here,
It’s
my palace, my venue.
C & C: (dance at each chorus)
We are kind and understanding
And
our liquor is quite good.
Single
gals get special service,
We
respect your maidenhood.
Claude: It’s our happy, scrappy process,
Cecil: It’s
our snappy, happy process,
Claude: We’re a honey bunny
success,
Cecil: We’re a funny money
success.
C & C: We are happy with bar-keeping.
Lots
of parties, lots of fun
Every
morning we can sleep in
Only
work when day is done.
Aria ends
Rita and the chorus applaud the dancing
waiters. Roger and Rita move downstage L.
Main lights dim, spot on Roger and Rita. Others freeze.
Aria 10; Shy Homely One
“Poor wandering
one” The Pirates of Penzance .
Rita: Shy homely one.
Here
you have surely strayed.
Beware
this place,
Thy
steps retrace,
Shy
homely one.
Roger: Shy homely one
Such
as we don't often see here,
Your
lack of art,
Captures
my heart,
I'm
falling for you, I fear.
Chorus: My, he’s falling for her.
He’s
a smitten boun-cer.
Take
heart, be of good cheer,
Follow
your love sincere.
My,
he’s falling for her
He’s
a smitten boun-cer
Take
heart, be of good cheer,
Follow
your love sincere.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Rita: Shy homely one.
Here
you have surely strayed.
Beware
this place,
Thy
steps retrace,
Shy
homely one
R & Chorus: Shy homely one
.Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!
Shy
homely one
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Aria ends
Salacio comes down to Chloe’s table, with
Claude Cecil behind him.
Salacio: You look a little lonely, Chloe, may I
join you.
Chloe: Sure!
This is the friendliest place I’ve ever been in. I’m on vacation but I’m looking
for somewhere to live and something different to do.
Salacio: I may have a golden opportunity for you; let me tell you about it.
Aria 11 You have Told me What you’re Here for
Reprise “Never
mind the why or wherefore” HMS Pinafore.
Salacio: You have told me what
you’re here for.
A
vacation you are here for.
We
can make you very pretty,
If
you’ll come and work for me.
You
won’t miss Chicago
You’ll
enjoy life by the sea.
C & C: We’ll convert you to a beauty,
Glamorous
and lovely cutie,
At
an afternoon appointment,
And
we do it all for free.
We
will change your life completely,
You’ll
enjoy life by the sea.
Chloe: Thank you for the
chance you proffer,
Let
me think about your offer.
Of
an afternoon appointment,
For
this beauty treatment, free.
That
will change my life completely,
And
I really thank, you three.
C & C & S: Specialists in transformation. all dance
Ugly
ducklings soon be-gone.
You
will love your restoration,
From
a duckling to a swan.
Claude: To a comely, yummy lady.
Cecil: To
a yummy, chummy lady.
Claude: To a pretty, witty lady.
Cecil: To
a witty, city lady.
Chorus: Specialists in
transformation.
Ugly
ducklings soon be-gone.
You
will love your restoration,
From
a duckling to a swan.
Chloe & S: Specialists in transformation.
Cecil: To a pretty, witty lady.
Chloe & S: I (You) will love the restoration.
C & C: To
a witty city lady.
All: New make over and
new gown,
You’ll
become the toast of town.
New
make over and new gown,
You’ll
become the toast of town.
Aria ends
Chloe, C & C exit L as Sleaze enters R. He wears a dark suit, white
shirt, tie and fedora. The chorus people are excited to see him. Rita crosses
to him and he kisses her effusively. Salacio conducts them to the table down R
and stays nearby. The chorus crowds close by but upstage of him.
Aria 12: He is the Mafia Commissioner
“Behold the
Lord High Executioner” The
Mikado.
Chorus: He is the Mafia
Commissioner,
A
personage of capital and power.
A
dandified important officer,
Don't cross him or you'll need to run or cower.
Defer!
Defer!
To
the Mafia Commissioner.
Defer!
Defer!
To
the clever crook who cooked all the books
The
Great Mafia Commissioner.
Aria ends
Sleaze moves down C and the chorus moves around him at a respectful
distance. He acknowledges them with a Nixon-like thumbs-up. During the following
number Sleaze acts out the things he is singing about.
Aria 13: When I was a Lad I Served a Term
“When I was a
lad I served a term” HMS. Pinafore.
Sleaze: When I
was a lad I served a term,
For breaking
into an attorney’s firm.
I smashed the
windows and I picked the locks,
And I scattered
all the papers in a big brown box.
Chorus: He
scattered all the papers in a big brown box.
Sleaze: I
scattered all the papers so carelessly,
That now I run
the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Chorus: He
scattered all the papers so carelessly,
That
now he runs the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Sleaze: In correction school I made such a mark,
The
warden invited me to be a nark,
They
taught me legal terms I didn’t know,
And
I picked up all the jargon about horse and blow.
Chorus: He picked up all the
jargon about horse and blow.
Sleaze: I picked up the jargon so
carefully,
That now I run
the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Chorus: He picked
up the jargon so carefully,
That
now he runs the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Sleaze: When I did time I made
such a name,
That
a prison kingpin I soon became.
I
bashed and bullied and used lots of guile,
And
I broke the bars that held me with a metal file.
Chorus: And he broke the bars that
held him with a metal file.
Sleaze: I broke those prison bars
so skillfully,
That
now I run the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Chorus: He broke the prison bars
so skillfully,
That
now he runs the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Sleaze: Of legal knowledge I
acquired such a hold,
I’d
match my wits with any lawyer bold.
As
a cunning politician I was seen,
And
a very crooked politician I have been.
Chorus: And a very crooked
politician he has been.
Sleaze: I played my politics so
cunningly,
That
now I run the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Chorus: He played his politics so
cunningly,
That
now he runs the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Sleaze: I grew so rich selling
real estate,
That
I soon decided I would speculate.
Diversified
to taking bribes and squeeze,
So
now I can buy any single thing that I please.
Chorus: Now he can buy any single
thing that he sees.
Sleaze: Diversified so cleverly,
That
now I run the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Chorus: Diversified so cleverly,
That
now he runs the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Sleaze: Now gentlemen, wherever
you may be,
To
be a politician filthy rich like me,
If
your soul isn’t fettered by the golden rule, (retard)
And
you’re not averse to working in a big cesspool.
Chorus: You’re not averse to
working in a big cesspool.
Sleaze: Embrace your calling with
a great esprit,
And
you may run the Mafia in Mi-ami.
Chorus: Embrace your calling with
a great esprit,
And
you may run the Mafia in Mi-ami,
Aria ends
Chorus applauds Sleaze and moves back
upstage. He sits at table down R with Rita. Salacio moves to their table.
Salacio: It’s our pleasure to have you as a guest
with us again, Commissioner Sleaze. I have an important business matter to tell
you about. Could we have a word in private.
Sleaze: I suppose so. Rita, go back to the bar, my
dear, or powder your nose, we have men’s matters to discuss. You wouldn’t be
interested.
Rita: You and your business
matters. I’ve got work to do, anyway.
Flounces off to behind the bar.
Roger: Hi,
Rita. Did you get a good look at our visitor, Chloe from Chicago
Rita: She does have some charm, but Salacio
seems to be interested in her too.
Roger: Perhaps he’s just being kind to her.
Rita: Roger,
Sleaze doesn't have a kind bone in his body. Let me tell you what’s going on
around here.
They go into a huddle and the musical
introduction to the next aria drowns them out. Chloe moves to C stage, puts on
hat and coat and sings to Salacio.
Aria 14: People Back in Chicago
Reprise. “He loves little buttercup” The Mikado
Chloe: People back in Chicago
Way
back in Chicago
Will
envy when I say how,
In
a note to my mammy,
That
friends in Miami
Will
make me look beautiful now.
You're
not charging money
To
make me a honey.
You’ll
teach me the stuff I should know,
Of
sophistication and appreciation,
And
how to make buckets of dough.
It
was a day today, such a long day today,
I’m
off to my hotel to sleep.
Tomorrow's
another day,
I’ll
be back right away,
With
an appointment to keep.
I’ve
just come from Chicago
Cut
loose from Chicago
Still
sheltered and ever so shy.
Even
though I’m inspired, I'm also quite tired.
Tomorrow
I’ll be up and spry.
Chorus: For she has come from Chicago
Cut
loose from Chicago
Sheltered
and ever so shy.
Though
she’s inspired, she’s also quite tired retard
Tomorrow
she’ll be up and spry.
Aria ends
Chloe exits up L. Salacio sings to Sleaze
Aria 15: That's the Chick For You
Reprise.
“Behold the Lord High Executioner” The Mikado.
Salacio: That’s the chick for you to violate.
A
tourist on a visit from Chicago
We
will show you and we'll demonstrate,
That
we can even beautify escargot.
Deflower!
This flower!
For
your pleasure, High Commissioner.
Chorus: Deflower! This flower!
For
our sleazy lord with a greasy sword,
The
great Mafia Commissioner.
Aria ends
Sleaze and Salacio exit. Highlights back
to Rita and Roger. Music volume decreases until their voices are heard over it.
Roger: ...you mean that he forces them into his
escort service?
Rita: Yes, that’s right.
Roger: I bet he’ll try to get
Chloe, that gal from Chicago I like so much.
Rita: That
is your problem. I have one too. Sleaze is starting to drive me mad & I
don’t know how to get rid of him. I’m fed up with being a doormat for his feet.
Roger: ...so this may be our first big chance to do it. The charges will only stick if we
catch them red-handed.
Rita: It’s a shame Sleaze is such a brute. I need to find a man who will respect me, not make
me an ornamental doormat.
Aria 16: Oh! Is There Not One Woman Here
“Oh! Is there not a maiden breast?” The Pirates of Penzance .
Rita: Oh! Is there not one
woman here,
If
she were permitted to agree,
Would
join with any gentleman,,
And
share the decisions equally?
As
they share their lives together,
Each
day by day, in every way.
Hand
in hand through any weather,
Go
hand in hand through any weather,
Through
every weather,
Would
join with any gentleman
And
share their good fortune together.
Chorus: It’s sure, there’s not a
woman here,
That
does not feel a moral duty,
To
change her villain to a prince,
And
be the equal of her cutie.
:Roger: Oh! Is there not one woman here,
Who
is as delicate and artless,
As
Chloe, whom they’re out to trap,
These
evil men are really heartless.
Their
sordid trade they cannot hide,
We’ll
put an end to their lechery.
Ignore
their bribe, I’ll be your guide,
If
you only cast your eyes on me
However
poor you be,
If
you will cast your eyes on me
However
poor you be, I’ll love you
, I’ll
love you, I’ll love, I’ll love you
Chorus: Alas, there’s not one
woman here,
Who
is as delicate and artless,
We
sympathize with her sad fate
The
way they lure her is quite heartless.
End of Act I
Act II Scene 1
Early the following afternoon at the bar, which is untidy, with glasses on the tables and the chairs disordered. Claude is discovered sitting and looking at it.
Aria 17: It is Very Hard to Get Up
Reprise. “Never mind the why or wherefore” (HMS Pinafore)
Claude: It is very hard to get up
After waking and to set-up
As we’re open ‘till the wee hours
Every morning until three.
But by noon we’re full of vigor
To enjoy life by the sea.
Cecil enters.
Cecil: As I lay in bed all morning,
I kept waking up and yawning
I finally remembered
We must set up the salon
As we’re going to change Chloe
Ugly duckling, to a swan.
They set to work and when the bar is clean they pick up the dance.
C & C: We are ready for the job here,
Now that it is afternoon.
Praying mantis on the job here,
And our prey will be here soon.
Claude: Lots of perty, flirty makeup,
Cecil: Lots of slinky, kinky makeup,
Claude: Lots of cutie, beauty dress-ups,
Cecil: But no scary, glary mess-ups
C & C: We are happy on the job here,
Now that it is afternoon.
Praying mantis on the job here,
And our prey will be here soon.
Aria ends
When the dance ends, the next aria begins.
In the next aria, the business and the singer set the pacing of the music.
Aria 18: When a Herring we Would Catch
“When the foeman bares his steel” The Pirates of Penzance .”
Claude: When a herring we would catch,
C & C: Tarantara! Tarantara!
Cecil moves upstage and moves a screen panel on rollers to expose a small vanity table with a mirror and several party dresses.
Claude: The opportunity we snatch
C & C: Tarantara!
Claude pulls out a stool for the vanity and turns on its lights. Cecil dances with a party dress
Claude: And the hook we set with bait
C & C: Tarantara! Tarantara!
Claude: Then we warble while we wait
C & C: Tarantara!
Cecil: Although beauty is skin deep
C & C: Tarantara! Tarantara!
C & C both pirouette with party dresses
Cecil: It is not so very cheap
C & C: Tarantara!
Cecil: We’ll extract our pound of flesh
When the filly we enmesh,
C & C: When the filly we enmesh.
Tarantara! Tarantara! Tarantara!
Tarantara! Tarantara! Tarantara!
Tarantara! Tarantara! Tarantara!
Tarantara! Tarantara! Tarantara!
Tarantara! Ra Ra! Tarantara!
Aria ends
The doorbell rings.
Claude: That must be Chicago
Exits up L and returns with Chloe and Rita. Chloe looks the same as in the previous scene but without the coat. Rita wears an exercise tracksuit.
Rita: Surprise! It’s Rita!
Aria 19: Surprised it’s Me Talking?
“Good morrow, good lover” Iolanthe
Rita: Surprised it’s me talking?
To you two, my greeting!
While I was out walking,
I chanced on a meeting.
Chloe is excited,
And really delighted,
That you'll give a treatment
A free beauty treatment
And make her look super today, today.
And make her look gorgeous today.
Chloe: Hi there, I made it Claude
And Cecil, how are you.
We hope you can af-ford
The treatment for us two.
When I met Miss Rita
She couldn’t be sweeter,
She asked me some questions
And made some suggestions,
Now she wants the treatment today, today!
She wants the same treatment today!
R & Chloe: We'd like to look gorgeous right now, right now
Yes, make us look gorgeous right now.
Aria ends
Claude: Oh! Two for the price of one. Salacio will love it. I’ll just give him a call to make sure it is O.K. (Takes out cell phone)
Rita: (Hesitates) No Claude, I’m changing my mind. I don’t think Salacio would agree to it because I already work for him in the bar.
Claude: Well, It’s up to you darling. Of course, you’d have to take that nasty tracksuit off first! (comedy routine)
In the next aria, the business and the singer set the pacing of the music
Aria 20: O.K. Chloe, You Come Now
Reprise.“When the foeman bares his steel” The Pirates of Penzance .
Claude: O.K. Chloe, you come now
C & C: Tarantara! Tarantara!
Chloe sits on the stool at the vanity. Claude stands behind her, back to the audience, blocking Chloe from the audience’s view. He removes her hat, wig and glasses (to her lap) and combs her hair if it needs it. When she is ready he sings.
Claude: Next, some privacy allow.
C & C: Tarantara!
Cecil moves the screen panel back in front of the vanity to hide the rest of the business. Claude helps Chloe change her dress (the dresses are Velcro-backed). He sings the next two lines as she changes.
Claude: I make magic as I sing
C & C: Tarantara! Tarantara!
When she is ready, Chloe poses. Claude pulls open the screen panel and sings:
Claude: A new glamour girl I bring
C & C: Tarantara!
Rita: That was very, very smart
Tarantara! Tarantara!
But I haven’t got the heart
Tarantara!
So I think I won’t partake
In the glamour that you make
C. C & R: In the glamour that we make (Dance)
Tarantara! Tarantara! Tarantara!
Tarantara! Tarantara! Tarantara!
Tarantara! Tarantara! Tarantara!
Tarantara! Tarantara! Tarantara!
Tarantara! Ra-Ra! Tarantara!
Aria ends
Claude: We are sorry that you changed your mind, Rita. We’d love to give you the treatment.
Rita: Thanks fellahs, I’ll take a rain check, but it was interesting to see how you did it.
Claude: Chloe, Salacio asked us to invite you to a private party he’s throwing at the bar tonight. Rita, I'm sure you can come too.
Chloe: Great, I’d love to come. I want to show off my new dress and looks.
Rita: Thanks for the invite. Maybe I’ll see you guys there. I’m off now.
Chloe: Hold on a sec, Rita. Thanks millions guys! You are both wonderful. I’ll see you at the party.
Rita and Chloe exit.
Claude: Well, one fish took the bait and one escaped. It wasn’t a bad afternoon.
End of Scene
Lights out. Close the screen doors to hide the vanity, etc.
Act II Scene 2
Early the same evening Roger & Rita enter stealthily L in semi-dark with flashlights. They creep and look round (exaggerated) after each line of the first half of the aria, as they check the place in time to the music
Aria 21: I am a Cop
“This very night” HMS. Pinafore
Roger: I am a cop
In deep disguise.
Rita: I am his friend.
Roger: We plan to stop
Their web of lies.
Rita: Their fleshpot end.
Roger: Their game will fail.
Rita: Their den of vice,
And woe betide.
Roger: They’ll end in jail.
Rita: They’ll pay the price.
Now we must hide.
R & R: A vice squad cop
In deep disguise,
And his good friend.
We plan to stop
Their web of lies,
Their fleshpot end.
Their game will fail,
Their den of vice,
And woe betide.
They’ll end in jail,
They’ll pay the price,
Now we must hide.
They hide behind the vanity screen.
End of scene
Act 2 Scene 3
Later, the same evening, the lights go up on the bachelor party. The chorus men in black tie tuxedos are discovered upstage near the bar or drinking. Sleaze and Salacio enter. They are both wearing tuxes with red jackets.
General crowd noise.
Men: Sing us a song, Sleaze. Yeah! Come on. Your turn. Etc.
Sleaze walks to center and puts his hand up for quiet. The men gather near and upstage of him.
Sleaze: O.K., O.K, O.K. (during music intro)
Aria 22: A Bachelor is a Soaring Soul
“A British tar is a soaring soul, ” HMS. Pinafore
Sleaze: A bachelor is a soaring soul,
As free as a mountain bird.
Though marriage he'll resist,
He loves a little tryst,
And commitment is absurd.
His nose may pant and his lips may curl,
His cheeks may flame and his brows may furl,
His body may heave and his heart may glow,
And his mind is ever wary of a knock-down blow.
Chorus: Our noses pant and our lips may curl,
Our cheeks may flame and our brows may furl,
Our body may heave and our heart may glow,
And our minds are ever wary of a knock-down blow.
Aria suspends
Chorus: Bravo, Bravo etc., Your turn Salacio, Gives us a song Sal...etc.
Aria resumes
Salacio: You gentlemen are my honored guests,
Your program I did decide.
So on this special night,
For your pleasure and delight,
Ladies I will provide.
My girls may vamp and their bosoms heave,
Their skin may flash and their dresses cleave,
They are out for fun so they may be lewd,
But if you get ‘em naked I will never intrude!
Men dancers do a sailor’s hornpipe during the chorus.
Chorus: His girls may vamp and their bosoms heave,
Their skin may flash and their dresses cleave,
They are out for fun, so they may be lewd,
And if we get ‘em naked he will not intrude!
His girls may vamp and their bosoms heave,
Their skin may flash and their dresses cleave,
They are out for fun, so they may be lewd,
And if we get ‘em naked he will never intrude!
Aria ends
Salacio exits. The dancers join the others at the bar. Lights dim, spot on Roger and Rita looking out from the top of the screen. They sing in unison.
Aria 23: These Rowdies are the Kind of Lout
“Young Strephon is the kind of lout” Iolanthe.
R & R: These rowdies are the kind of lout,
We do not care a fig about.
We dare not say,
What evil may,
On my (his) dear Chloe fall.
But if we save her from her fate,
Perhaps she’ll have me (him) as a mate.
We’ll (they’ll) make a home,
And never roam,
If we can beat them all!
Aria ends
Lights up. Salacio re-enters:
Salacio: Gentlemen, give a welcome to the ladies!
Hoorays and whoops from the men and women as the women run in. The women greet the men and stay with them near the bar. The soloists move downstage
Aria 24: Three Little Escorts Cool are We
“Three little maids from school are we” The Mikado
Y, W & C: Three little escorts cool are we
Of inhibitions we are free.
Filled to the brim with girlish glee.
Three little escorts cool,
Ya-Ya: Bring the guys, we will have some fun
We-We: Lots of Johns here for everyone
Ci-Ci: We do orgies or one on one
Y, W & C: Three little escorts cool
Three little escorts, quite contrary.
Maybe you think we’re mercenary.
Men! All they want is making Mary!
Three little escorts cool,
Three little escorts cool.
Ya-Ya: One at a time for the usual sum.
We-We: Two at a time, and I bring a chum,
Ci-Ci: Three at a time for a rugby scrum
Y, W & C: Three little escorts cool
Ya-Ya: Three at a time is a triple play
We-We: Two can be double trouble, eh!
Ci-Ci: One on one’s a traditional lay
Y, W & C: Three little escorts cool
All Women: Three little escorts cool
Three little escorts, quite contrary.
Maybe you think they’re mercenary.
Men! All they want is making Mary!
Three little escorts cool,
Everyone: Three little escorts cool.
Aria ends
Three escort girls dance to “Three little maids from school”. Three men join the dance for the second stanza. Sleaze sits at a table down R. Salacio is at the bar L.
Chloe enters up L. Salacio greets her.
Salacio: Chloe, you are a knockout! You look fantastic in that dress!
Chloe: I feel like a different woman. Claude and Cecil did a great job this afternoon. How can I ever repay you?
Salacio: It was our pleasure, my dear. But you could help us by talking to that nice man sitting all alone (Indicating Sleaze.) I can introduce you to him.
Salacio leads Chloe to Sleaze’s table and stays nearby.
Aria 25: Chloe, meet Sleaze
Reprise “Behold the Lord High Executioner” The Mikado.
Salacio: Chloe, meet Sleaze the High Commissioner,
Would you like a fine malt whisky from the bar?
A dignified and potent officer,
Can I get you some Beluga caviar?
Defer! Defer!
Chloe, greet the High Commissioner
(Chorus sings quietly in background, as they shake hands)
Chorus: Defer! Defer!
Here is Miss Chlo-e from our family,
For the Mafia Commissioner.
Aria ends
Lights dim. Spots on Roger and Rita. They peer out from opposite sides of the screen and sing in unison.
Aria 26: Miss Chloe Does Not Look Demure
Reprise. “Young Strephon is the kind of lout” Iolanthe.
Roger and Rita: Miss Chloe does not look demure.
We hope she’s not caught in their lure.
We cannot say,
What evils may,
Result in consequence.
But we will catch these felons who
Pervert young ladies straight and true.
We may exempt,
The girls they tempt,
For they have some defense.
Aria ends
Lights still dim. Diffused spot on the table with Sleaze, Chloe and Salacio.
Aria: 27: Now that You are a Family Member
Reprise “My object all sublime” The Mikado
Salacio: Now that you are a family member
You must smile at the guests
When you meet a chappie
You just keep him happy
And pander to requests
This is the first so
You will remember
A tough politician
A gen’rous lover
You’ll soon discover
Of sweet disposition.
Sleaze: Your beauty is sublime,
But I won’t waste your time,
I like your figure, it’s really prime;
Your body is really prime.
Sleaze grabs Chloe and Salacio helps him. She yells “No, No” etc and struggles
When my ardor’s spent,
I’m sure you wouldn’t resent,
Chloe continues to struggle while Sleaze sings and holds her.
A little chastising equipment,
For innocent merriment.
Aria continues over Chloe’s protests
Sal & Sle When his/my ardor’s spent,
I’m sure you wouldn’t resent,
A little chastising equipment,
For innocent merriment.
Aria ends any time during the above four lines, when Roger and Rita appear from behind the screen. Roger points a gun at Salacio & Sleaze. The next four lines are spoken.
Roger: Remove your filthy hands or get a short sharp shock.
My trigger finger’s itchy, I’m a jerked off jock.
You’re going to face a jury in a dull dark dock.
Then do a term in a prison with a life long lock.
Rita opens a cell phone during Roger’s speech & makes a call for reinforcements. During the next aria, two policemen enter (Claude & Cecil with moustaches and police uniforms). They handcuff Sleaze and Salacio.
Aria 28: So Sleaze you Cur, we Much Regret
“So please you sir, we much regret” The Mikado
The three escorts dance around Sleaze
Y, W & C: So Sleaze you cur, we much regret
If we failed you in etiquette
As justice did at last prevail
You’ll get what’s coming, though you're sly.
Ya-Ya: But justice first must have its spell
So pardon us
So pardon us
We-We: Now you will end up in a cell
By prison bus
By prison bus
Ci-Ci: So we’re disposed to say farewell
Y, W & C: But justice casts a heavy spell
You will end up in a cell
By prison bus
By prison bus
Chorus: Tra-la-la etc.
Dancing
Aria ends
Sleaze, Salacio & Policemen exit
Aria 29: Miss Chloe, I’m thankful You are safe and Sound
“I once was a very abandoned person,” Ruddigore
Roger: Miss Chloe, I’m thankful you are safe and sound.
Chloe: You and Miss Rita solved my problem
Roger: The moment we met I was spellbound.
Chloe: Thank you for rescuing me from them
Roger: Chloe, you are such a lovely gem.
I hope you’ll say,
That you can stay.
Chloe: I feel quite giddy, and you are so sweet (Dance)
Please let me hug you, feel my heart beat.
Roger: Dear Chloe, you have walked into my life.
Chloe: Here in your arms it is so entrancing
Roger: I’ll always love you as my wife,
Chloe: You are very gallant in your romancing
Roger: So come to my arms, I feel like dancing
Let's celebrate, and stay up late,
Chloe: Roger, my dearest, I do really love you (Long lingering kiss)
It feels like a dream and really is true
Aria ends
Chorus and principals on stage re-assemble for finale
Aria 30: Call the Daily News Announcer
“Ring the merry bells on board ship”, S HMS. Pinafore
All: Call the daily news announcer
Rend the air with warbling go
For the dating of our bouncer
And the gal from Chi-ca-go
Women: It’s exciting to discover
Men: The detective undercover
Women: Who was able to discover
Men: Made the villains run for cover
All: Call the daily news announcer
Rend the air with warbling go
For the dating of our bouncer
And the gal from Chi-ca-go
Men: Call the daily news announcer
Women: The detective undercover
Men: Masquerading as a bouncer
Women: Made the villains run for cover
All: Roger has his Chloe found
Love still makes the world go round
Roger has his Chloe found
Love still makes the world go round
Repeat singing the last four lines ad nauseam during the curtain calls.
THE END
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